PATTAYA

Eric was conjuring up dinner in the kitchen of his Pattaya apartment. Me, I was enjoying the gin and tonic he'd just prepared as an aperitif. A fragrant mini pyramid incense was burning dutifully from across the room. A French film could be heard from TV5. Even though the language sounded, as usual, really smart and sophisticated, I couldn't have been more unconcerned with what was happening there.

Even though the thought of the Italian dish and fine wine was exciting, I was still hung up on my splendid session at the Pattaya Gay Beach that past afternoon. You can't know for sure if you and your favorite bikini have caught a lot of eyes there, but it certainly feels good to believe they have. Maybe this is something a thirty-year-old has to cling to for a few more years. Just maybe.

The ambience of Eric's cozy apartment was giving me all the comfort in the world that everything was alright. His political point of view, particularly regarding Thai politics, however, was not.

Fireworks were gracing the starless sky of Pattaya, singing praises for His Majesty the King on his 81st birthday. Despite her colonial outlook and feel, Pattaya remains defiantly Thai and devoted to the Father of the Kingdom. The man-made spectacle was majestic and I was impressed with the celebratory note permeating the cool breeze of this tourist town (well on her way to becoming a city.)

I would have one more day to play the role of a visitor from Bangkok. No matter how impressive Eric's culinary skill may turn out to be, I would have to make sure my stomach remained flat for my final day on Pattaya's decadent beach. Before heading back to work, back to Bangkok, back to reality.

The airport had just been re-opened, but not everybody was relieved. A lot of people seemed convinced it was only a hiatus. More fights and lawlessness, in one form or another, would come when due. These unhappy people could be right, but I am hopeful that they were wrong. I am somewhat disappointed that people can't seem to enjoy the moment without thinking of some awful thing that in the end might not even happen. As for me, I prefer not to borrow any trouble but to deal with it as it comes. If in fact it does.

Eric's description of the Thai conflict was “very typical.” New power busily tightening its grip on society. Old counterpart desperately seeking ways to stop it. We all have seen what the old money was capable of, haven't we? It is interesting to note that the Suvarnabhumi International Airport was built by the government of the emerging regime. I am not gonna tell you which side Eric is on. Yes, he is a foreigner but he does take sides. Anyway, there was always a hint, wasn't there ? - he said that PAD's seizure of the airports was just one small thing.

Naturally, as we hadn't seen each other for a while, I was curious to see more of the mind of this ex boyfriend of mine. So, I sought his opinion on Barrack Obama. American friends, guests, and acquaintances of mine, and of course ex's seemed to be infatuated w/ this guy. My French ex couldn't have looked more bored when answering my simple question. He was simply wondering what would be the slightest difference between Monsieur McCain and Monsieur Obama? America would always have her way over any individual she called the President.

Here they came. The much-anticipated pasta and red wine. Le chef du jour was intent on observing my outward show of appreciation. And I totally did! If only he would put all his points of view aside. Let's just eat and savor the moment.

After everything, I am still hopeful about my country, her politics and all that crap. And I'm not gonna live a life of servitude, a life of being chained to a dubious future that so far exists only in our silly imagination. Once again, I'll deal with that when, and if, it comes.

Oh, I remember now. My bikinis were still soaking in the bathroom sink. I'd better wash and hang them now. Who knows? Looking fabulous on the Pattaya Gay Beach tomorrow might lead me to something that really matters. Don't count me out just yet. One day I might be able to truthfully type such words as my Chinese ex, my Russian ex, my Iraqi ex, my Iranian ex, my North Korean ex, my Cuban ex, etc. Let's see if there will be only America that continues to dominate the planet.

Hopeful Joe

Tsunami and her enduring legacy

I had expected a lot today before joining a field study at the National Disaster Warning Center of Thailand.

Well, when you expect a lot, you’re easily on your way to acute disappointment, right?

It turned out I wasn’t disappointed at all. I was actually very surprised and impressed at what I saw and learned.

So, when you know you expect a little too much, you also assume some disappointment along the way. Perhaps you're even willing to accept less in the process. Before you know it, you end up w/ more than you had hoped for.

Anyway, remember the Tsunami that hit the Andaman coast of Thailand late in the year 2004? To prepare for any type of natural disaster that might follow, the center in question was established 5 months later in May 2005.

It is located outside of Bangkok, in Nontaburi province actually. But on the surface, you might very well mistake it for a Bangkok suburb. The road is wider, the air cleaner, buildings lower etc. One thing that is missing – water buffalo.

Well, Bangkok is creeping all over the place.

One of the things that I learned is that not every quake in the sea causes a tsunami while at the same time not every tsunami is caused by a quake.

But one of the things (and also most comforting) that was revealed to me is that we have all the necessary gadgets floating, buried, installed etc at every risky area. Any signal that they send will be analyzed w/ expertise by the center before the public is alerted.

The time needed for the whole process is 8 minutes, and they actually aim to reduce it, w/ the same level of accuracy of course.

Currently, there is one buoy floating in middle of the Indian Ocean that we can count on to alert us in case of an imminent tsunami (if any.) The thingy is courtesy of the majestic government of the United States of America. However, the royal government of Thailand is hard to please 'cause they aim to install two more in the future at their own budget. By the end of this year, the number of warning towers along hot beaches will also double. Relax, beach afacionados!

But if you prefer somewhere in the Gulf of Thailand whether it be Chang Island, Samet Island, Pattaya, Hua Hin, Samui Island etc, Captain Saran assured us that we are tucked safely inside the Gulf and the water is shallow enough to disinterest the cruel waves (if any.)

Back to the center, it’s operated 24/7. There are 3 shifts everyday of eight hours each. Anything that happens will be deciphered and us, the general public notified in a wisp of time.

Warnings are all pre-recorded so they are accurate and to the point. I personally loved the German version of the announcement. Very affirmative! I liked the Chinese one too. Very nasal but somehow flirtatious.

Captain Saran (whom the center borrowed from (and might never return to) the Royal Air Force of Thailand) told us that a tsunami of a similar scale might not strike again within the next 200 years, and therefore, keeping this center alive in the meantime might just be a waste of public money for the next 197 years.

Still, the Thai government will undoubtedly continue to fund this vital center. Just in case! See how paramount preparedness is in this not so panicky kingdom?

Now, it would be an unnatural disaster if you kept skipping Thailand, when you really can’t afford to.

Joe

Coming for Sex?

Once, I heard somebody say that quite a number of people in the west believed that every woman in Thailand was a prostitute.

Well, they, I'd say, missed one point - they should have believed that everybody, men or women, is a prostitute. You know, here, go-go boys are huge as well. When you go on the extreme, why stop half way?

Here's what John Burdett, the author of Bangkok 8, says in his Author's Note "......The sex industry in Thailand is smaller per capita than in Taiwan, the Philippines or the United States...." I take this as a well-researched fact.

To those coming from the 3 countries mentioned, sorry guys, I didn't invent the statistics.

But, for those who still believe that every woman in Thailand sleeps w/ strangers for a living, I'd say "Right on folks, fact or fiction is all up to you. Whatever floats your boat."

What I'd like to suggest in case you're pondering a sex tour in Thailand is this - Sex is a coordination. Sex, although you can buy it, can never be bought. Sex is a two-way street.

If you think that with the money you have you can buy sex anywhere in Thailand whether it be Bangkok, Pattaya, Chaingmai, Phuket, wherever, you're incredibly naive, because what you will get is not sex but another day-job performance of the 'red-collar workers." Trust me! It's such a waaaaste of time.

Here are some tips for sex to be worth your 'investment ' ;-

if you're bald, get your head shaven because that's a whole lot sexier,

if you're old, take a viagra because that goes a long way,

if you're fat, act kind and pleasant because that's easier to get started,

if your breath is bad, avoid kissing at any cost,

if your body odor is prominent, refrain from meat and cheese for a while,

if you're not well-endowned, peruse Kama Sutra or practise yoga,

etc.

If you fall into one of the above categories and still can't bother w/ the code, kindly be advised to stay at home and 'flirt' w/ yourself.

But, if you are willing to practise the preached and be w/ someone else, I'd say "Welcome to Thailand."


Joe, Would-Be Sex Guru